Weathering Storms

I was supposed to go out and plant William's flowers today, but by the time I got my act together, it started to rain. But it wasn't just any rain... it was a sudden storm. My email is set up to tell me about storms, but I wasn't on the computer at the time. (M. calls me "weather girl" because I always know what the weather is going to be - he asks every morning, "What's the forecast, weather girl?")

And this one gave us very little warning. One minute, it was sunny and beautiful. The next, it turned dark, the winds picked up, and the sky opened and began to pour. I called the kids in - they came running - and we hurried around the house closing windows and doors and then stood shivering at the doorwall, watching the lightning and listening to the thunder. Both kids huddled with me, one on each side, and I realized how frightened I am now in the face of nature.

Standing there, I put on a brave face for the kids, but inside, I was trembling. One of the reasons I always check the weather is so I can plan. Another reason - the real reason, if I'm being honest - is so I can believe I have some modicum of control. If I know what's coming, surely I can get out of the way...

But sometimes there's no warning. Sometimes lightning strikes anyway, even if there is a warning. And always, nature wins. Tsunamis, tornados, the new swine flu, a landslide, a house fire, cancer, a stillborn baby... who can fight against that? It's like punching clouds, flailing at fog, snapping at rain, screaming into a storm. What good does it do? 

I can't fight it, I can't avoid it, I can't predict it. I can only stand and weather it, whatever comes. There's no doppler radar, no early warning system. Life is going to keep on rolling, until it doesn't, at least for me, anymore. It's going to keep on keeping on, no matter what I do, what I want, whether I'm here or not, whether my child is dead or not. My fear won't stop it. My anger won't either.

It's a humbling and awesome realization.