I fantasized about it, frankly, like a dieter with my jaw wired shut, obsessing about mountains of rich, gooey chocolate. What would be it like?
I thought about it. I did. A lot.
But I didn't know it would feel like this.
YES!
There's not a hint of "NO!" in me. No hesitation, no turning away. Is there fear? Yes. Anxiety? Yes. But I'm still saying "YES!" I can't help it. I've smiled so much my face hurts. I smiled through tears all day yesterday, after taking two tests and reassuring M. that yes, it was a line, it didn't matter how faint. I couldn't stop smiling as I told the kids: "You're going to be a sister (or a brother) again!" and seeing their faces light up like it was Christmas morning.
I didn't wait. I didn't keep my secret longer than a few moments, suspended, like my breath, waiting to be let out. Because every single moment is precious. This little bundle of cells is the oak in the acorn already, burrowing into the soft, nurturing home where it will grow and (please, god) bloom and be birthed sometime at the end of May or beginning of June... But that time is a long way off. Three seasons to go, although it's growing autumn-cool even now.
All I have is this moment, right now, cradling the potential of life in my womb. How can I not honor that? I have so much love for this baby already. I can't hold back, I can't say "No, I won't love you, not yet, not until I know." Because if William taught me anything (and oh, my sweet baby boy, you've taught me so very much) it's that we can never, ever know. This moment is all we have, and time stands still in our hearts.
My heart's steady rhythm brings life in every moment, and its beat is saying nothing but "Yes. Yes. Yes!"
