Dear Abby: Bite Me

I haven't been here long in "dead babyland" (and if you haven't heard the term yet... don't ask) so most of you who've been here a while have probably seen Dear Abby's view on stillbirth baby photos. 

My husband hadn't seen it, though. And when he did... well... let's just say I think he's entering the "anger" portion of the Kubler-Ross grief stages... 

Here's his response: 

Dear Abby,

Regarding your column entitled DESK PHOTO OF STILLBORN BABY CREATES AWKWARD OFFICE ISSUE:

For the record, I am a licensed pscyhotherapist and grief counselor with over a decade of experience, and also the father of a stillborn son.  Although you were smugly well-mannered in acknowledging that a person's desk, in most cases, is essentially private territory, you were surprisingly presumptuous and uneducated in suggesting that the woman who kept the picture of her stillborn child on her desk should put the picture in a drawer or in her purse.

If the woman had a picture of her deceased husband or parent or cat on her desk, would your response be the same?  If the woman had a picture of her child with an unfortunate visible  degenerative birth defect, or her sister who had been severely burned on her face, would your response be the same?  If the woman had a picture of her grandparents with tattooed forearms who were later burned or gassed to death in Auschwitz (yes, such pictures exist) would your response be the same?  If the woman had a picture of the starving, bloated and fly-specked child she sponsored in South America or Appalachia or Somalia, or a picture of her gay brother near death with Kaposi's sarcoma-ridden AID's, would your response be the same?

Shame on you for being primarily concerned about the shallow discomfort of the woman who feels awkward when faced with something that she is in denial and defensively offended about.

You and the woman who wrote you the note in question need more education about denial, defense mechanisms, respect, empathy, acceptance, grief, death, dying and stillbirth, and in humanity and compassion.

M.
Licensed Psychotherapist
Grief Counselor
Father Of A Stillborn Son