My children, especially Miss Z., all LOVE to play tricks and today they were in April Fool's Day heaven. "Mom, you dropped your pocket on the floor." I look... April Fool! "Hey, Mom, look at that, it's a dry puddle!" Ha. April Fool!
But I have been an April fool since William was born, exactly on the day M. didn't want him to be. It's been a year of the coyote, the raven, the trickster. You thought you were going to have a baby? Ha! You thought you would get pregnant again after losing that baby? Well, okay... we'll let that happen... twice... and then say - April Fool!
I have watched women who lost babies after mine conceive again, and even give birth. I am watching bellies grow from afar while mine remains empty. I knew today would be too hard, knowing, not knowing. I could have taken a pregnancy test today. But I decided not to. Not today. I didn't want another horrible April Fool's joke.
Today I had to answer the question, "Are you pregnant?" on the tattoo form. I didn't know, of course, but I checked, "No." Tonight, right about the time William was born at 10:13 pm, I went into the bathroom and that question was answered for me.
Once again it all ends in blood and tears, just like last year. Full circle.
April Fools.
11 comments:
I am so sorry! I know the empty stomach feeling. I will keep you in my prayers. No more April Fool's Day tricks!!!
God, what awful timing. I'm so sorry.
Thinking of you and William.
ps: love the tattoos by the way.
xo
I found your site via Lost and Found. Just a stranger saying she is thinking of you on this anniversary. We have similar stories - I too lost my son on April Fools Day. It was April 1, 2008, and I was 39 weeks when I went into labor but they couldn't find the heartbeat and he was gone. I too have been struggling to have another child since -- not yet and its been 2 years now. Gavin was my only child and I am 38 years old; I desperately want to be a mother. In any event, I wish you well on this terrible day for us both.
How painful. I'm so sorry. Sending lots of love and baby vibes your way.
I am just so sorry. Remembering William with you today.
i am so very sorry mama. praying for you
I'm so sorry you're not pregnant again. I've been following you on the ttc thread, and was hoping so, so much for you. I'm sorry. :(
I love the tattoos.
Oh, I am so sorry. It does all feel like a really bad April fools joke. Sending prayers. Your tattoos are beautiful. *HUGS*
I'm so sorry Dawn. The timing is just awful and does feel like a cruel joke. I'm sending you love, today and everyday.
I'm sorry. Thinking of your William and wishing you had your boy.
i'm really sorry too. my miscarriage started on april fool's which sadly wasn't a cruel joke after all. i'm with you mama. we can make great company for each other while we wait.
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