Thursday, October 1, 2009

Six Months

William is still inside me, stuck, a lump in my throat I can't get past.

Today he feels unreal.

Did I really kiss the cooling forehead of my dead baby six months ago today? Did I really hand him back to a nurse? Did I give him to her, as if he were an empty plate and she a waitress clearing what was no longer needed from the restaurant table?

Here, we're done with this, you can have it now.

Was that me? Was that my son?

It couldn't be. If something so horrible, so heinous, so impossible had really happened to me, I'm sure I would never have given him away. I'm certain I would never have handed him over and gone home and watched American Idol and wondered why I couldn't breathe as I laid there in the dark and wished it all away.

If something so unbelievable had happened to me, I'm sure I would have died. I'm sure I couldn't have survived such a loss. I'm sure I would have slit my wrists or been locked in a padded room or been put on serious medication to keep myself from falling apart.

And if something like that, something so unthinkable, had happened to me once, and I managed somehow to make it through, I'm certain that another loss would truly crush me. Even the smallest potential of life, gone in an unexpected rush of blood and tissue, would surely bring me to my knees. I would spend days, weeks, months, completely incapacitated, unshowered, undone.

I did laundry today. I washed dishes. I wrote a poem. I washed one child's face and kissed another's boo-boo.  How is any of that possible?

You're so strong. A rock. I would have died. I couldn't have handled it. I don't know what I would have done.

No. No, you don't. You don't know what you'll do, when you look into the dark, gaping, bloody mouth of your dead son and see the abyss looking back at you. You think you'll go crazy. You think you'll die. You think you will come undone.

But the horror isn't the reality of death, no bigger than a sack of sugar in your arms... the horror is in the living. The horror comes six months later, when you realize you're living your life, still shopping and cooking and laughing and typing and breathing and trying. And failing.

I wish I'd died. Or I wish I had been utterly shaken and changed and transformed into some sort of selfless human tribute to the precious lost life of my sweet, perfect baby.

But I am, still, and that's all. I didn't shatter, I didn't collapse, I didn't rise from the ashes of my dead son like a glorious phoenix. Six months later, I'm just here, and nothing much has changed, aside from the gaping hole in my chest I feel every minute but no one else can see. 

20 comments:

Funsize said...

Even a year out, I'm still just "there". I don't know when/if I'll ever be my former self- probably not.

Remembering you and your sweet little boy today...

Lindsay said...

Ive been thinking about you and cutie-pie William. Sending SO much (so, so much)love to you and your family.

Lynda Halliger Otvos (Lynda M O) said...

...there's a hole in my chest now, where my heart was; and a hole in the sky where god used to be.
~~Willie Nelson and Bob Dylan on the Borderline album.

Strength is flying toward you from all who support you even if you have never met me!

Hope's Mama said...

Oh my goodness, Inanna, I know. I read a comment somewhere else recently that said the highlights of this journey are giving birth and holding our babies. Yet people think THIS is the bit they couldn't survive. Those are the best bits. It is all the days, weeks, months and years that come after they're gone that hurt the most.
You're surviving. And at this point, no one should expect any more or any less. You're doing a fabulous job.
xo

Sophie said...

I don't have anything to say really. Just wanted you to know that I read it, and it has cut me to the core. This was a profound post and it makes that hole in my heart ache.

Sally's right. You are doing a fabulous job just surviving.

margaret said...

I am without a comment also. You just summed up what this has been like for me too...it's surreal. Sending you hugs

Michele said...

6 months... a year... a year in a half... you are right, the horror is looking back and realizing you are still alive.

I remember thinking that another loss would kill me, and then we had a miscarriage followed by losing Alexander. oh how I was convinced my broken heart would kill me right there. That I couldnt possibly do it again. I just couldnt live through that again. and yet, you do, and you feel broken and guilty. How do we survive? How do we find the will to go on?

Or do we? Do we "find a will" or does it force itself upon us?

Catherine W said...

You have said it so perfectly Inanna. Truly the horror is in the living afterwards.

That sentence comparing William to an empty plate, to be handed back. That sentence kicked me in the stomach. I still can't believe that I handed her over, I can't believe that I ever let her go.

I'm so sorry. Remembering your beautiful William with you. xo

Fireflyforever said...

Yes, I look back at this year and I wonder who I was for most of it. How was I living when my daughter wasn't? You have said it PERFECTLY.

I know how hard I found 6 months (I had another loss right around then too) and I send so many hopes for gentleness amidst the horror.

Lea said...

So true. You write about how so many of us are feeling. You're right, the worst part is not holding our gorgeous babies, it's letting the go and trying with everything you have left to continue living (for one reason or another).

Great post.

Anonymous said...

Hello Inanna, I came over from LFCA and I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Your post is so beautiful and so true....the hardest part is trying to live after the loss of your baby. Prayers for peace and healing on this day. *hugs*

Cara said...

Oh Inanna

Your description of our existance after they leave us is so perfect. I remember that feeling of 'giving her away', when it was painfully obvious that the nurses thought I had kept her far too long already.

when the expected behavior is so contradictory to what our parental instincts tell us to do -- it rips us forever.

Remembering with you...xoxo

Juliet said...

I'm thinking of you and William today.

I remember giving Lachlan away. Walking away from him lying there just felt so wrong. Driving away from the hospital felt so wrong. I wish things had been different for you, for me, for everyone else here.

Aunt Becky said...

Holding you close today and always.

Lynn said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I could never offer any words that would lessen your pain, but I will have you and your family in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Your able to sum up how I feel in so many ways......I'm days away from my six month mark, thank-you for having the courage to share.

Mary said...

Your words are so amazingly well put. I don't know how I am here sometimes. I just don't know.

Christy said...

You are exactly right. I hate that I am having a normal day. Doing laundry, running kids around, grocery shopping. I hate doing normal things. And right now I hate time. I hate that it keeps ticking like this because it makes me feel like my little boy is slipping farther and farther away. I read this post and thought to myself how you nailed it. My feelings. You don't know me, but you know my feelings so well. Thanks for sharing. Hoping we get pregnant soon...
xxxooo
Christy

Anonymous said...

I wish I had words. I only have my shoulders, my hugs, and my tears I can share with you sweet one. *angel hugs*

Beth said...

i'm sorry :(