Magical Thinking

I took off my "memory" necklace for the first time in seven months the other day. Had to get a thyroid ultrasound (and just seeing an ultrasound image again was traumatizing enough) and it was in the way. We're still trying to catch an egg and get pregnant again, although every month that goes by, I wonder if it just wasn't meant to be and William's death was meant to be a big STOP sign from the universe.

I took off my necklace and had never felt more naked. And as I held it in cupped my hand and the ultrasound tech did her thing - looking for nodules or anything that might be causing the thyroid issue - I wondered if I should just put it away. I put away both William "reborns." They don't "sleep" next to my bed anymore. They're put away in the, as of now, unused nursery, and we have to make a special trip to "visit" them if we want to. So far, I haven't.

William's picture is still up, along with his ashes and the little momentos and statues we received after he died. They're all still there and I plan to make a permanent place for them. Soon.

But I wondered, holding that necklace into my hand, if it was my holding onto William and his memory that was keeping me from getting pregnant. Strange, the things we think, the associations we make.

Two women, now, who have come onto a loss board I frequent, who lost term or near-term babies after I did, have now gotten pregnant. That's hard. I'm happy for them, but looking around and wondering...why not me? Why is this so hard? I've never had a problem getting pregnant before. Quite the oppoosite.

Of course, I did get pregnant two months ago. It just didn't... take. What's wrong with me? All the tests they give me, everything keeps coming back normal. The issues I have (thyroid) are "under control" according to the tests, and shouldn't be preventing me from getting pregnant. So they say. But then again, they can't find any reason my baby died, either.

And it's now been seven and a half months since I held my dead son and I'm not pregnant again.

It must be my necklace. That must be it, I thought, clutching it in my hand and watching the ultrasound screen, wishing we were looking at a baby and not my thyroid gland.

The tech said everything looked "normal." No nodules, thyroid wasn't enlarged. Of course.

So I put my necklace on again and no, I haven't taken it off. What does magical thinking get me, anyway? Nothing. Which is what I have. Nothing.

It's hard to hope, it's hard to "stay positive." I told M. that I "feel" pregnant this time. I don't know, yet, not quite testing time... but I do. I feel pregnant. Of course, trusting my body is a big issue anymore.

He replied, "I hope you are...but I don't think I'm going to get very excited for a while."

That makes me sad. I understand it completely, and feel the same, but how awful that we have to hold back, hold our breath, hang onto memories and hopes and scattered dreams. I don't want to live that way, and I'm not sure how to avoid it.

If only I had a magic wand...