Blue day.
Just one of those where every little thing feels overwhelming. I just want to cry. I did, a few times. And here I thought I was "functional" again. I thought I was over days like today. Then in comes the tide and I'm drowning again, fighting the waves and looking for shore.
We're going away for three days - Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. We're taking the kids to a waterpark. Two very good friends gave us a very generous gift card when William died, and since they're having a summer special, it was perfect timing.
I'm afraid to leave home. I'm afraid to leave my baby here. I haven't left this house overnight since I was in the hospital giving birth to him (technically, I wasn't gone overnight then, either). It's crazy. He's not "here." I know that. But all I have left of him is. His picture. His ashes. The clothes he wore. I don't want to take them with me - what if something happens to them? I don't want to leave them home - what if something happens to them?
I walk this line, all the time, between worlds.
So yeah. A blue day. A decidedly blue day.
They're better than the mean red ones.
Just nowhere near as good as the yellow...
20 comments:
Every time you think you are making progress, another wave will hit. But just know that the time between these tidal waves of grief becomes longer and longer as time goes on.
Lots of love!
I'm sorry you're having a blue day. I had mine on Sunday. I can understand you not wanting to go out of town. I can imagine how you feel torn between leaving or taking him with you. I don't have that choice because we buried Mackenzie, but I'm still not interested in going out of town. My husband actually mentioned going out of town this weekend and I kind of ignored him. I don't think I'm up for it. I hope you are able to enjoy yourself!
xo
Ashley
I am so sorry for the rough days you are having. I went away last week and it was really difficult for me. All I could think about was we should be at home with our babies in our arms, but we're not. However, it was nice to be out of my normal routine, away where no had to know what happened. I felt that I was able to escape my reality for a few moments. It was hard, but I am glad we went. Hope you are able to have some yellow days ahead! xx
Those days, those moments- the ones you aren't expecting, will come out of nowhere and knock you off your feet. I was on my way to work and I heard a song on the radio, which had no correlation to my son, and I just started crying, flying down the freeway at 70 miles an hour with tears in my eyes.
Hoping for some yellow days for you.
xoxo
The time which elapses between blue days and red days and yellow days does stretch. But maybe not for a while yet. You're early in your journey ... don't expect too much. If you're having a good day, then enjoy it! It's great when you have good days, when you remember the good things in life. But don't be shocked or surprised when a bad day is just around the corner. It's all part of grieving. Best just let it happen -- because it'll happen anyway. ((hugs))
I remember leaving Jordan for the first time afterwards. We went away for the weekend too and I had the same fears. In the end I rationalised that she wasn't really in the ashes and instead I took something of hers with me. It helped a lot. I took a small crystal angel suncatcher which I tied to the front mirror in the car. She scattered rainbows over us as we drove... and I also took her special photo frame and her special candle. It helped a lot to have these things. I felt her with me.
I hope you can find something to take with you that gives you comfort. Your reborn maybe?
I cant leave the house overnight without taking their ashes and their blanket with me. I just cant. It's too much. When we flew to TN, they were in my purse. When we go on roadtrips, again, they are in my purse. I clean it out so that their marble box will fit. I just cant imagine being away, even though I know the box holds their ashes and not them. If it is just a day trip and I will be gone a few hours, I can force myself to leave the box behind although, truth be told, if I could strap it to me and never leave home without it, I would. But I just cant handle the alternative. I'm sure that room housekeepers probably wonder who the crazy woman who brings a box of ashes with her and sets them next to the bed is, but I dont care. I just am not ready to feel like I have to let them go each night when all I want to do is hold them close forever.
i completely understand. soon after my loss i went to my sister's for an overnight b/c my husband was working so much. i was afraid to leave angel mae's things - it felt like stretching my thin connection to her too far. i took her pink knit hat that she'd worn in the hospital and folded it up in my jeans pocket so i had it with me the whole weekend. it helped. maybe there is something of william's you can take with you? i have to say that getting my tattoo has helped a lot with these feelings - her name is written on my body now, which is even better than her hat in my pocket. good luck - i know it is so hard. xo
The single post important thing anybody said to me about this grief journey is that it isn't linear...it took me a long time to understand what that really means. You WILL feel better, but there are also days where you are taken right back to the place you started or even worse. Be gentle with yourself.
I also found it so hard to leave Roses things on a recent trip. All I have of her are these little things. In the end I brought all her photos with us - but then I obsessed about them getting damaged.
I like Jenni's suggestion to carry a little hat, something, anything to be close.
Much love to you, I hope the time in the water and sun is re-invigorating.
aw, that damn tide can roll in so unexpectedly sometimes. hugs to you! Enjoy your time away.
Dear one....
I'm crying for you...and for me...and for all the mothers who are here with us in this unfair and decidedly harsh world that robs loving mothers of their little ones. Would that I could grant one wish to the world it would be that mamas would not lose their children. But as I do not have a wish to offer...I will send my love as a poor substitute.
I am sorry that you're having to face going away.. I just went through a very difficult time recently as well. We went to our friend's cabin for four days and I was absolutely freaking out before we left. I desperately didn't want to leave Freja's things in the house - alone. All these thoughts went through my mind... "What if the house burns down while we're away and I loose all her posessions, the only things I have to remember her by?"
I ended up taking several of my most important keepsakes of her with me. I kept them in my bag, and that bag never left my side the entire trip. We went boating - it came with me, we went out to eat - it came with me, we went to an animal ranch - it came with me. What I didn't bring with me, I took pictures of, and brought them along. I know to most people it probably seems OCD, but it's the only way I could find peace with leaving. ((hugs)) to you during this difficult time.
Sorry you're having a blue day. I hope that you have some yellow days coming up soon.
I never know what to do with my daughter's things. I know that feeling. What if I take them and something happens to them, what if I lose them somehow? Or what if I leave them in the house and something happens to them there? I hope that you can find some arrangement that helps during your time away from home. I liked Jenni's suggestion of the hat. I carried her blanket around with me in the hospital, I even used to sleep holding it.
Hope you have a few more yellow days in the near future. xx
Sorry it is one of those days. I hope you have a better one.
I was going to suggest that you take something of William's with you. Maybe for future trips you can have someone sow a small bag with some ashes into a stuffed animal.
gosh, we haven't gone anywhere overnight since Matthew died but just thinking about the decision of whether to leave or take his things... and if something were to happen to them. ugh. i'm sorry. the blue days come up and really scare me too.
It is still early days so be gentle on yourself. There is no blueprint you are falling behind, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day it will get easier. Honest
Ditto on what Emily said. I think these blue days remind us that the death/loss isn't really gone, even on days that aren't so blue. Hang in there.
I remember feeling exactly like this after I lost Daphne and we went away for the first time, actually the only time. I was so sad to leave her, it felt wrong that we would be so far away.
thinking of you.....
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