I cut my hair. It's all gone. Shorter than it's ever been in my life, probably, since I was a baby.
I was scared, but determined. Made the decision. Cut it off. Make my life simple. I want to feel free.
So much weight lifted. And yet I still feel heavy.
We're trying again. Trying, trying. (Yoda in my head: "There is no try - only do!")
And yet I'm feeling ambiguous.
Do I really want another baby? REALLY? I mean... all the practicalities... I'm old. And I'm not getting any younger. And the age span between the kiddos grows greater every month we don't get pregnant. And I'm working hard, a lot, and we're starting homeschooling in the fall. For pete's sake, I look around me now and wonder, how could I be doing this all if William were here? And how can I do it if we have another baby?
My mother always used to say, "Every baby is born with a loaf of bread." Meaning, you find a way. You make room in your life... or your life makes room.
But this is the first month since William's death that I haven't been desperate to be pregnant again. I think since the hormones have balanced and the grief has become... I guess "manageable" is the best word I can think of... that immediacy has passed and rational thought has (somewhat) returned. And fear, too, has set in.
Can I do another pregnancy? Oh my god, the worry, the wait. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it.
And what if it's a boy? What if it's not a boy? What if I miscarry? What if I don't? What if I carry this baby all the way to term only to have him/her die? What if I die, too? What if I don't?
And I know, I look around the baby-loss community and see mamas everywhere, bellies blossoming, babies just arrived and already looking so big...it's happening. So many have done it, are doing it again. There is life after baby-loss, rainbows after storms...
I want.
I don't want.
Yes, please.
No, thank you.
Okay, okay, yes.
Yes yes yes.
I'm saying yes, but it's with more fear and trepidation than I ever expected. Making the decision wasn't so hard... it's living with what happens. That's the unnerving part.
Like my hair - I just went in and did it. Please cut it all off. Make me free. And there it is - short as I wanted it, not exactly what I expected. Different. New. Exciting. Scary.
Day 13 of my cycle. We're trying every day and the eggie should arrive any minute now.
You make the decision, and it happens. Or not. And then you just have to sort of live with the results, whatever they might be.
18 comments:
That's the scary thing- all the unknown. And the lack of control. I think we all learned we have no control over our babie's lives, or else they'd all be here. All we can do is embrace what time we have, because that's all we know. Just like your (hopefully) upcoming pregnancy, all we can do is enjoy it because that's all we've got for that moment.
Oh, I hope you get your rainbow baby. It's something you and your family deserves.
xoxo
The closer we get to TTC, and especially this month when we were supposed to TTC but had to put it on hold for surgery, the harder it is to cope with the fear and lack of control. And for me, the question of whether I will ever be able to have a living child looms large.
I wish I could offer something more than companionship (like hope or ???) on this road, but right now it's all I've got.
(((Dawn)))
I cut my hair after the babies died too. I needed it gone. It was this reminder of my failing them. I dont know if that makes sense. It was so strange. And then, prior to my bedrest this time, I cut all my hair off. I needed it to represent something different. That as my hair grows, so does the hope of a different outcome.
Pregnancy after a loss is harder than anything else in the world. But I wouldnt take it back. I am scared, I cry, I worry... But I am grateful for every second with these babies and, if this is all I can give them, then I will give all I have gladly. I find that I cant see it any other way. I have to just enjoy the one day I have. The one moment.
You can do this, Innanna. You can walk out of the fire and do this. I know you can. And it will be hard and scary and all those horrible feelings we know so well. But it will also be beautiful. And no matter son or daughter, William will live on in them and will watch over them, as he does you.
Hugs, dear friend. Big hugs.
It's very hard to take that risk again but someone who loves so much is someone who could make it work, too. I believe you'll make a good decision.
Children are always a risk, no matter what the age. And it never gets easier. I've learned that through being a stepfather. I worry about them all, even my 31-yo oldest daughter, no matter what, no matter when. But I've also discovered, much to my surprise, that it's all worth the risk, too. And that's something I never knew until I had kids to love of my own.
I wish that pregnancy after loss offered guarantees! It seems only fair.. but as we know, it's not. All we can do is hope things turn out better.
I too felt like that; at first I obsessed about being pregnant agian. Now that we are almost 4 months out from losing the girls I am doubting my decision. But when I sit back and think, "Do I really want abother baby, do I want to hold onto a little one, feed, change, bathe him/her?" The answer is always YES. All the other stuff is just logistics. I love what your mother said about every baby being born with a loaf of bread. I think it is so true. Best wishes...
I know your struggle all too well. I read somewhere once that someone who has gone through pregnancy loss should get a guaranteed do-over. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way for some, but for many, that seems to be the case. That is my hope for you -- a quick process, an easy road, a happy ending.
I didn't think of it but the symbolism is there, cutting my hair that way. I feel like my body failed me, my particularly feminine body, and I cut off a powerful reminder of my femininity... and it is, indeed, a new beginning... we shall see!
we really don't have control over anything, do we?
Yep, that about covers it. Just see where it takes you.
At 27 weeks I can tell you that it is still scary...but different. I think pregnancy after loss forces you to process things differently, gives you the bums rush on things maybe, who knows. But I do feel different now, the pain still there, but not as raw.
I hope your rainbow comes soon.
I am awed by women like you that find strength to try again. I constantly have that desperate need to have another baby to keep this time. And then the fear creeps in and I doubt my feelings and my needs.
I pray that you get your rainbow.
The uncertainty and the fear is there whether you try or not. Whether you decide or not. Whatever you do or don't do is enough to make you wonder whether you're doing the right thing. Because at the end of the day it's a new baby you're thinking about. Not the old one. And that's the really scary thing, isn't it? You're going to take chances all over again. Bloody scary.
I love that saying of your mother's. It is so true. A new baby will bring his or her own loaf of bread along, for you and your family.
I'm still considering cutting off my hair. I haven't had short hair since I was ten. I haven't had it cut since the girls were born. It is now down to my waist and it has started to feel like I am letting it grow as some sort of protest. Strange as I agree with you about the feminity of long hair and I often contemplate cutting it very short instead. Perhaps I am keeping it long just to show that my body can grow something? Hair rather than babies sadly. Or fear of hairdressers? Do you mind me asking how you feel about it now?
I feel paralysed by the fear of it. I do not want Jessica to be an only child and I also don't want my pregnancy with the twins to be my only pregnancy. But I am so very scared. That I can't cope with another baby or another pregnancy. That something will go wrong. That I will have less time to devote to J and to my husband. But the idea of the loaf does ease some of that.
I loved the last bit of this post. You are right, I can 'make the decision' but I don't really. Sorry about the long, rambling comment. xx
*hugs*
I can't even imagine. But if it helps, I wanted to tell you that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm hoping the best for you, and I'm thankful that you are sharing bits of your journey for us.
Re the babymaking... have you ever read Taking Charge of Your Fertility? If that is old news for you just disregard, but I read it for the first time recently and was blown away by how much I didn't know about how my own body worked.
Natalie - I have read TCOYF, thanks :)
Catherine - I love my hair. It's short, it's easy, it's stylish. No more "mommy ponytail." And I'm mourning it, too. :(
I think I also cut it because it was failing me, too. I've got a slight thyroid imbalance - the lab numbers say I'm fine, but my hair still falls out like it shouldn't, my skin gets extra dry... I used to not be able to get a ponytail holder around my hair more than twice. Then I could wrap it three times... It's disappearing! I figured shorter hair would fall out in smaller bits... and again, more being angry with my body, which doesn't seem to want to work correctly. :x
I could have written this same post (well, not as eloquently) - as time has passed, the decision to start to TTC becomes indecision, and fear.
But I love your Yoda quote - There is no try, only do. I think I may apply that to my own life. :)
Mirne said: "Because at the end of the day it's a new baby you're thinking about. Not the old one." That is scary. I, like others, feel so similar. I read your post and cried because I feel so much the same. My Chase died just a couple weeks after William and I'm thinking, "if they are 'trying' we can start trying very soon." When you live in this "world" we live in, meeting others who have gone through the same or similar situations, all having lost their babies, it is so scary to try to go through it again. I am shocked so many times at the stories I come across, healthy babies one day, the next, no heartbeat. Though I have 3 healthy children, it scares the hell out of me. But there is nothing I wouldn't do to give our family another baby, if that's what we decide to do. Then I go on to think....how LUCKY I actually am to even GET pregnant.
This is all just one audacious perspective we have because of what we have gone through. Yes, it helps to know that there are others who have been there. But it's still scary.
I wish you the best. I hope that you get pregnant, but moreso, I hope that if you do get pregnant, yo uare able to enjoy it for the pregnancy that it is, not be on edge for the pregnancy that was. I am cheering for you. And I hope I'm not far behind....
xoxo,
Christy
Hi hon. Thinking of you. Would love to see a picture of your new short 'do!!
May it be part of a transformation in your life, a lightening of your load.
kmom
Post a Comment