We are home, sufficiently waterlogged, all fudged and taffied out. It was good to get away, but I had a strange feeling of being outside of myself most of the time. I watched the kids a lot and thought, "This will be a good memory for them," or "They'll remember the time when they watched how fudge is made" etc. I wonder if my capacity for experiencing joy has been dampened since William died. I didn't feel much of anything. A lot of going through the motions, before, during and after. I planned it all and executed it (without so much as a hitch, really) and still, I never felt like I was really there.
In case you were wondering, I decided to take his photo, which has been up in our room since the first week, and a beautiful handmade card from an online friend with his name cut out on the front. I put it on the dresser in our hotel room. I found a maid looking at it once, when I went back to the room. She half-smiled at me and went on with her business, but I was glad someone noticed.
The hardest part, I guess, was looking around at the waterpark, seeing mamas splashing with their babies, putting them in the little baby water swings, and knowing I should be doing that with William. And knowing, too, that while it was a great vacation and made some great memories for the littles... we never would have gone if William hadn't died in the first place. Our first family vacation, thanks to the death of my son.
Not to say I'm not grateful. It was a lovely, generous gift. And the kids had an absolute blast. Our little three-foot pool seems like a puddle after the water park! They didn't want to leave. It was a kids' paradise-I don't blame them! But part of me is glad to be home. I'm not scared to go out, like I used to be. I don't feel so turned inside-out all the time like I did... but still, it makes me weary. I feel like I have to be "on"... I have to try harder when I'm not home. And trying gets...old. I just feel really, really tired.
There are days I just want to lay down and never get up. There was a time I was anxious, afraid. Afraid of life, afraid of death. I'm not afraid anymore. It would be nice to see, if there's anything to be seen, where my son went. And, too, when I'm so very exhausted, I just want to lay it all down and give up. I'm okay with it, my head says. Let's go. That, I sometimes think, would be the best vacation.
(p.s. no, I'm not suicidal. I'm really not. :)
16 comments:
i otally get that. i feel that way sometimes too. i don't really want to die. i just want to stop, and feel at peace, and be with my girl. also i felt similarly on our family vacation last month. if the baby was here, we would never have gone. pretty tough. i loved that lilly was having such a good time, though. this must be pretty normal... thinking of you. xo
I second your "there are days I want to lay down and not get up". Some days, I just have to let myself cry because I know that I will get up and go on, even when I dont want to.
I am glad that the kids had a good time and that you were a part of that for them... And that William was too. We take the kids' box with us when we go away and I've seen people look at it/touch it. Part of me wonders if they have had losses and they remember or if they just wonder what they are looking at...
I know the feeling. My husband joked about something that might kill me and I said "that's fine." I think he was worried that I was suicidal. I'm not. I'm just not afraid to die because my baby is waiting there for me.
xo
Ashley
I know exactly what you mean.
xx
I get it, too. We are, but we aren't. I think the whole family, most likely, has felt a little more mortal. My 4-year-old is definitely scared of anyone going to heaven unless they are "old or have a heart attack". And he is sure he doesn't want to grow up because of that fact. Another little piece of my heart breaking. it's okay to be this way, to be tired, to lack motivation. But you also know that your husband, your living children, are there for you, need you, and keep you going. And all of us who are on this journey with you, need you, too. would love to say something to pick you up, but my heart is broken, too.
Christy
I'm glad you were able to get away for a few days.. and take a little bit of William with you.
I know exactly what you mean. Hugs to you.
I nominated you for an Honest Scrap award. You can check out the details on my blog.
I have to be "on" alot too, mostly at work. It's hard, it's exhausting. And I think those same thoughts- I can't wait to meet my son, wherever he is. But, at the same time, I'm in no hurry to see my son.
xoxo
I'm glad that kids enjoyed themselves, I wish that William had been there with you.
I also have that strange sensation of being on the outside looking in, sort of a dissociation. Perhaps it just acts as a way of giving us a break sometimes?
And some days that is all I can feel, just tired. So very tired.
Hugs xx
i also nominated you for honest scrap! xoxo
(((hugs)))
I'm glad you were able to get away for a few days and that your kids enjoyed it. I wish William could have been there splashing around too.
I know what you mean about not being scared to go out but having to try harder when you do go out. It takes so much energy. Sometimes I just don't have enough energy for it. More tired than scared. I've been home all week... it doesn't feel good, but sometimes it's all I can do.
I just wanted to drop by and say Ive been thinking about you and William lately. (((BIG bear hug!)))
I'm glad you all got a bit of a break. I understand the days of wanting to lie down and not get up again. Sometimes it is just too exhausting to contemplate much else. Those days come a little bit less often now - I hope they space out for you too.
P.S. I nominated you for "Honest Scrap" too - popular lady!!!!
Looks like some others beat me to it, but I'm passing the Honest Scrap award on to you, too! Come to my blog for details.
(((hugs))) not the first to pass on the honest scrap award to you, i see.
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