Oh William, I'm so lost. It's been eight months, almost three seasons, but it feels as if time stopped when you died, my sweet, forever-baby. I remember other baby-loss mamas saying, "It gets easier... time really does help..." Funny, it's been backwards for me. Or maybe it's just the holidays. I looked at one-year-old clothes and toys while I was shopping and thought, "I should be buying those for William." One less stocking to hang. I don't even have an ornament to hang on the tree for you, little one.
I think I've pushed myself beyond the edge of reason this year. It feels like I'm moving in slow-motion lately, like I've been trying to run a marathon through an endless desert of sand and oh, god, I'm so tired. I'm just so tired.
I didn't know eight months would feel like this. I didn't know I could miss someone like this. I didn't know my heart could be shattered and still keep beating. I didn't know I could look into the black hole of my dead son's slack mouth, hold his tiny bruised and swollen head in my hand, and still be breathing eight months later. I don't want this, and there's nothing I can do to take it back, to give it back, to undo the horror that is my life without William.
I feel so melodramatic, writing any of that down, but the feeling goes beyond the words. I can't possibly tell you, and for most of you reading this, you already know. The feeling plumbs the depths of my core and comes back with the blackest tar imaginable. The darkness I'm living in isn't deep, it's infinite.
I can't "stay positive" or, as my OB prescribing progesterone today remarked, "Keep fighting the good fight." I don't have any fight left in me. If I could punch God in the face, then maybe. If there is such an entity to fight with... I have a feeling I'd be shadow-boxing. I've been doing enough wrestling with invisible demons. Enough.
Eight months. In a word? It sucks. What's another eight months gonna feel like? What about eight more years?
I don't know if I want to know.
19 comments:
These monthly anniversaries are so hard, there's no way around it. Sending love and hugs.
I wish I had the right words for you to ease the pain of this anniversary. Ezra's mommy is right, they are all so hard. I wish we didnt have to live this. Thinking of you. *HUGS*
Remembering this tiredness all too well. 2 years later, and I am still in disbelief. But it has changed. It does get easier at some point, although that point is different for all of us. Hang in there.
I cant think of 8 years either. Every day is just so hard.
8 months: that's still so soon. I don't think it's melodramatic at all to write all this down here. Losing William - losing any baby - is just a dramatic, earthshattering event that changes us to the very core. I can relate, as can so many other people out there who have been through someting similar. Hang on tight and hang in there. I do think things get better with time, but that doesn't take away the pain of the present, and by "time" I'm talking lots more time than what you've had. ((hugs.))
It sure is harder than I ever could have imagined, and I used to think that at 8 months things would be so much better. I don't even want to think about 8 years. Wishing you peace and healing. Thinking of you.
*hugs*
Just hang in there. Everything gets easier with time.
The first year without them is so hard. When I close my eyes, I can imagine being back there, in the first year of grief and the tears almost come.
Try and be gentle with yourself this holiday season.
Sending lots of love and wishes for peace to you!
Sending love and peace to you. It is hard. Every month and, I suspect, every year, every decade. We'll always miss them. xo
I'm sure that grief can best be described as cyclic, if there is such a word. I'm now only beginning to feel a sense of peace after a year. I suspect though that the feeling will come and go, I certainly don't expect it to be a permanent thing. I also don't think this black hole of grief and depression is permanent either. Hang in there hon, time will soften your wounds. Sending you hugs
So sorry that you are still in the depths of grief- it is a horrible and painful place to be, and it is the only place you can be right now. I read this blog entry about trusting the process of grief, written by a mom in her 3rd year of deep grieving over the death of her 19 year old daughter.
It is a long, hard process that seems never-ending. I hope some of the words and quotes at the end of the entry give you strength.
http://mothergrievinglossofchild.blogspot.com/
The monthly anniversaries, and the holidays, are so hard. Nothing you do ever seems enough, it all seems so hard.
Sending you lots of love.
xoxo
I feel the same way about it not getting easier, to me it feels harder as the months go by not easier. H and S had Christmas pictures this week, the pictures turned out beautiful, except one thing.....when I look at these pictures I will always think there is just one thing missing, one huge thing missing this year, Daphne would have been 8 months sitting with her sisters.........thank-you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in this space. I feel less alone when I come here...
Just acknowleding the pain in your words and sending you a cyber ((hug)).
"Easier" is not the right word. I don't think it ever gets "easier," and this week, seven months after my son died, it feels harder than it was at the beginning as I think about how old he'd be now, what he'd be doing, how he'd look, how he'd be interacting with his twin brother, etc.
Anyway, much love to you and William.
hugs - and yes, i find the holidays worse too..
I wish I knew how to make it easier for you ...but unfortunatly there's is nothing I can say...you're in my thoughts
**hug**
I can't personally speak about how it will get any better... but I have heard many others say it will.
Be kind to yourself, what you're feeling is so deep and raw, 8 months is still so soon.
Think of you.
Correction: "Thinking of you". :)
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