I turn forty on January 22. It's coming up, as we enter 2010. I had my first baby when I was twenty. She's a grown-up girl now, recently engaged, working on finishing school and probably already thinking about having babies of her own.
Am I crazy to be contemplating another baby at my age? Probably. My littlest kids (ages 7 and 8 now) aren't so very little anymore. I've said before, when we conceived William, that I felt like someone was missing from our family. And now, of course, someone really is. Was that what I was feeling? What a horrifying thought... that I was "missing" a soul I would lose and miss forever?
I don't feel the same anymore. Like someone else is missing. I don't have a sense or feeling, like I did with William, of someone out there, waiting to come. Maybe that's a sign. Maybe I should just stop with the charting and the trying and the testing and the obsessing. Maybe I should wait to be a grandmother. :)
But that mother part of me is very strong. Losing William has made me even more conscious of how long I've been a mother, and how much a part of me my mothering really is. I don't need to mother another baby. But I would like to. I very much would love to have... just one more. Yes, I'm blessed, yes I've had four beautiful, healthy babies. And still, I want.
Maybe this momentous birthday will bring me a wonderful present. Maybe. I do still have hope.
9 comments:
I have hope for you. So much hope. I believe that it will happen for you. I can totally understand not wanting to keep going the charting and testing and obsessing - it's so hard to keep living like that month after month. I hope that 2010, however it goes, turns out to be a beautiful year for you.
hoping for a beautiful birthday...
Dearest friend...I feel your words so deeply.
Somehow...ending a beautiful mamahood with loss seems raw to me. And yet....what if that IS what is.
I love you for your honesty.
Thank you for being my friend...
I still have hope for you too. I wish you a beautiful year.
I am hoping for you also! Lovely post!
I'm 42 so you can't feel too old. What I've realized is that desire is all that's necessary and you can't give up until you truly feel ready to stop trying. Until then we deserve to want. Previously I would have said, yes, be happy with four. But like I said, to want is enough no matter what the circumstances. So keep on...
--Deanna
Dawn, I still have hope for you too. I had my first at 21, have 4 cihldren now too and at 36, I was wondering whether I was just done. But I'm still hoping for you.
Hoping with you...maybe you'll get a little one growing for your bday present?
xo
I had my last baby at 42 so I KNOW you are not too old for another baby. :-D
However, only YOU can decide whether or not you want to keep going with this. I can empathize how hard it must be to consider this choice. I just don't think age should be your biggest consideration in your decision.
I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom about the decision itself except to remind you that it's OKAY to take a vacation sometimes.
If you need a break from charting and obsessing, DO IT. That doesn't mean you have given up forever, only that you are taking a brief hiatus. You are not deciding; you have only decided NOT to decide for a while longer and to take a break to give clarity to your decision.
Perhaps you can take this time to "try on" the idea of not having more. Perhaps that will bring you clarity that you DO indeed want more, or clarity that actually it's okay to stop. Perhaps it won't....but it's OKAY to take a break in the middle of all this.
Stop. Rest. Breathe. It's okay to just put off a decision for a while. It doesn't have to all be decided NOW. Take a break if you need it and then come back to the decision.
Sending you much love....kmom
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