Stuck

Years ago, I went to see a rather unconventional sort of therapist - she was a mind-body sort, and I was trying to get more in touch with my body (and less involved in my head...) It was all very crunchy and woo-woo for me, but I did it anyway, as strange and uncomfortable as it all felt.

During one of those sessions, we did a "guided imagination" where I discovered a golden ball of light literally lodged in my throat. I couldn't speak around it, swallow around it. It was decidedly stuck. She tried every which way to get it UNstuck, but my mind wouldn't go there. I couldn't even IMAGINE it gone. Sounds silly - you should be able to imagine or unimagine anything you want. But I couldn't.

I've recently been reading up on my thyroid issues, which are in part keeping me from conceiving again, I'm sure. I've done everything I can think of to help - getting tested often, changing meds, having them adjusted, switching to an all-organic diet (including hormone-free meat and dairy), cutting out xenoestrogens in my environment. The list is huge, and it's been an enormous (and expensive!) change in our lifestyle.

And still, we're not pregnant. 

This morning I came out of a dream about William (I used to dread them, dreams about him - they made me so sad. Now I love them. I'm still sad, but I like feeling close to him again. As time passes, he can feel so far away...) and I remembered my dream about the golden egg. And that made me remember the session with the therapist.

Of course, when I read this quote today, I realized why I'd remembered it: 

"In many women thyroid dysfunction develops because of an energy blockage in the throat region, the result of a lifetime of "swallowing" words one is aching to say. In the name of preserving harmony, or because these women have learned to live as relatively helpless members of their families or social groups, they have learned to stifle their self-expression. These women may, in fact, have struggled to have their say, only to discover that it doesn’t make any difference — because in their closest relationships they have been defined as insignificant. In order for this complex, entangled state of affairs to be resolved, a woman might need to take not only supplemental progesterone and thyroid hormone, but also an unblinking look at what parts of her life and interpersonal relationships need to change."

Universe trying to tell me something?

I think I need to go for a long walk and do a lot of screaming...