I've lost something.
And there is nothing else like it.
I can't find it in my closets, under my bed or in my basement.
I can't find it in sleep, although I try.
I can't find it in the magnetic pull of the Internetz, perusing baby-loss blogs.
I can't find it in my living children, making them lunches, taking them to activities.
I can't find it in my husband's arms at night.
I can't find it watching the transformation of my "reborn" William doll.
I can't find it reading book after book after book about baby loss.
I can't find it in charting my temps and hoping for a fat, healthy egg.
I can't find it in chocolate or Cheetos.
I can't find it in turning the music up and singing too loud.
I can't find it turning away from pregnant mothers pushing baby strollers.
I can't find it dreaming, strange and surreal images that leave me bereft and full of despair.
I can't find it writing, navel-gazing, here at the poor me pity party.
I can't find it talking to other baby-loss mamas.
I can't find it even in the deepest part of my imagination.
Although I remember. I remember holding him, kissing the impossibly soft skin of his cheek, cradling the downy weight of his head in my hand, asking him, "What happened, baby? What happened?" as if he might be able to open his eyes and tell me. This is some surreal dream I'm going to wake up from soon, I'm sure of it. I'm sleepwalking through my life looking for the baby, like I always did in dreams, under chairs and in cupboards, silly places where babies wouldn't be. Because babies don't get lost. Babies don't go anywhere without their mamas. And babies most definitely do not die. Of course they don't. Don't be silly. Babies don't die. Babies don't die.
I don't know what I lost. I never knew.
I lost my future.
That's what I'm looking for. Trapped in some surreal time warp or loop, endlessly looking for something that never was, and yet I held him, he is my memory, he is my best best thing. He is. He was. He is. He was.
I need more Kleenex.
14 comments:
Babies don't die.
Oh, but they do. That much I knew. I just didn't know it was going to be *my* baby. Insane as it is, having worked in a lightening field, I thought I was immune to the lightening.
Will we look for them forever? On the faces of strangers that might have looked like them if they had been allowed to grow tall?
(((Dawn))) Pass the Kleenex.
I know... How I know... I still look for that which we lost and I know that I'll never find it. Ever.
I need kleenex too....
Thinking of you.
So heartfelt and so bloody sad...Hugging you
When I find it, I'll tell you where you can find yours too. Promise.
(hugs)
I remember being in instensive care opening up Isabels eyes after both scans confirmed brain death. I just couldnt understand where she was. Her chest was moving, air was going in and out, but where was the little baby I took home from hospital. Babys should never die and I still don't understand why life does this to us. If it's karma then hopefully donating the organs got us some good points to get us a live healthy baby.
I don't leave a stone unturned either, still searching.
Sending you love and strength and a big hug
xxInes
Oh Inanna. I think I know this feeling. This horrible restless searching that just goes on and on. I'm still looking for my baby girl. At every turn, I'm still expecting to find her.
I think it is 'he is' rather than 'he was'. William is your memory. He is written about here. He is thought about by you and by me and by all of us who visit here to read about him. William stirred the water and the waters cannot be unstirred as a wise person once told me.
But I know that is scant consolation.
Hugs. Now I need more Kleenex. xx
Oh yes, babies get lost. They lose their mamas and their mamas lose them. I'm still searching, still looking, still wanting to wake up and find it was all a terrible dream. It's nearly three years since Freyja died (and I've lost Kees since then too) ... not much has changed for me. I'm still searching. Wondering where they went.
Hi Inanna - just wanted to drop by and let you know that I made some Angel Wings for your beautiful William. Please check out my blog.
xo
We will search for our babies, always. I imagine I see her in the back seat in her car seat, in her crib in the nursery, in my arms, everywhere. I don't know when it ends - if it ever does. We are babylost mamas. Our love for our children is bigger than life, and our loss is larger than the universe. My empty arms will always be searching for my baby girl. Peace to you. xxoo
(((hugs)))
i read through your whole list of all the places you searched, almost waiting to hear where you DID find him.
Beautiful and sad post. My son Oliver was born and died nine weeks ago today. I see him everywhere. But our grieving is stalled because we are on Day 63 of intensive care for his twin brother.
So beautiful. I'll always be looking for my little guy, too.
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