Saturday, July 11, 2009
Knowing
I've been pregnant five times. And all five times, I knew. Somehow, I knew the moment I conceived that there was a life forming. I have no idea how. But all biology obviously aside - the sperm hadn't had anywhere near enough time to travel to meet the egg yet, and there was still fertilization and implantation to contend with - still, I just knew.
There have been times that I've been hopeful that I was pregnant and times when I was paralyzed by the thought and dreaded the possibility, but those feelings are different from this "knowing." Those thoughts and feelings were rooted in space and time, contingent upon one thing following the other in linear progression. My conception "knowing" feels outside of that. (And yeah, it sounds weird and woo-woo to me, too... but after five times, it's hard to deny!)
It reminds me of my knowing William was going to die. Of course, I didn't believe it. Of course I mistrusted myself, that feeling. I told myself that internal gauge was just off. Nothing bad was going to happen. There was nothing to be anxious about. That's what I tell myself when I get that "knowing" feeling when I conceive. It's silly, I can't possibly know I'm going to get pregnant. I have to wait to weeks for my period, I have to take a test. But in reality, those things just end up proving what I already know. Like the Doppler and ultrasound were just final proof of what my heart already understood.
I knew I wasn't pregnant this cycle. Because I didn't have that "knowing." I remembered and realized the lack of that feeling a day or two ago, and I knew this wasn't going to tbe the month. My cycle rebooted this morning, and while the blood in my hand was disappointing... it wasn't, really. Because I already knew. There had been no spark, no divine touch this month. I had known already and forgotten. Hoped against hope, like I always do, that my feeling, my intuition, was wrong.
Just like I hoped that William would make it. I hoped he was fine, that my worry and anxiety and completely-irrational-outside-the-context-of-the-coming-circumstance-fear, were just silly mama thoughts. I hoped my feeling was wrong. I hoped. But I knew different. Somewhere, somehow, I knew.
And speaking these feelings out loud, well... it's hard to tell yourself or someone else what's going to happen in the future and get any measure of belief. And it's anticlimactic and just elicits disbelief again to look back and say, "I knew it." It's quite a catch-22.
Sometimes I really hate already knowing.
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11 comments:
:(
Yeah, I get that. Desmond was my first, but things still felt off- preparing for his arrival felt like pulling teeth, and I felt guilty about that. When I look back, I can see that it was like I knew it was going to happen, that he wasn't a baby I was going to be able to keep, only that thought never consciously crossed my mind, and his death was very shocking.
I know what you are talking about. Even though I was blessed with a beautiful pregnancy, I felt it. Which is why the night Lukas became sick, I sat and prayed to the Lord to let me keep him. I also think that maybe because I thought it, I put it out there that he was taken away. ((hugs))
I dont think it is strange at all. Peter and I have both had that feeling. I remember, when we were in the RE's office conceiving Nick and Sophie, we both turned to each other and said, "Boy/Girl twins." It was uncanny. And then the u/s confirmed twins. And then... a later u/s confirmed b/g twins. It was just the way it was. We've both tried to think other things at times or let other people influence things, but sometimes you just know. Even when you dont want to.
sending hugs.
I knew Hope had died, too. I knew that final u/s & Doppler would just confirm the horror and nightmare I already knew and had spent about half an hour trying to deny, all the while poking, wriggling and jiggling my belly, trying to wake her up from her impossible slumber.
I hope you know next month.
It's weird how so many of us knew. Yet tried to deny it. I remember when I felt that last thrashing in my stomach and I thought to myself " I hope she doesn't tangle herself up in the cord" and then she did. And she died. I am not sure that anyone believes me that I actually thought that. But I did. I knew then that what I was feeling was not right. And I just went on with my day thinking I was being "hysterical". But I knew. I knew that when I woke up she was gone. But I didn't want to acknowledge it yet.
This feeling of knowing is almost a burden. It's like you have some sort of six sense, yet no one takes you seriously. But you do know. On one hand I feel like I should say I am sorry, and then on the other I feel like we are lucky to know that we know how our bodies operate. Anyway, I am just rambling now, so I'll stop.
I had a hard time picturing life after my baby was born. I was preparing the nursery and buying things, but I couldn't see us. I attributed it to not knowing what to expect with a newborn, but I hated feeling disconnected from future plans that way.
Hopefully I won't feel that way again.
i knew too. at 34 weeks, the only thing i had ready was the birth pool and that only because dh insisted we buy it. no diapers, clothes, blankets, birth kit, nothing. i tried to picture holding the baby after the birth and i just couldn't.
I feel like I knew, too. But it didn't dull the shock when that hunch I had all along was realized. It didn't make it hurt any less.
Maybe nothing could have prepared me for this.
I can't say that I knew, but I had a sixth sense as well. I attributed it to my 2 prior miscarriages and an inability to fully grasp that everythignw as going to be okay this time...even to the very end (38+ weeks). I felt like I had some sort of self-protection mechanism working overdrive that "in case" something went wrong, I was prepared. What I did not realize was that no one else was prepared--my husband, my kids, everyone else. They all thought everything was going to be okay all along while I was prepared if something did go wrong. "Being prepared" did not get me very far. I fell in love with my little one the first time I saw him and bonded like every mother bonds with her newborn. And I ache now like any mother who has lost a child.
What gives me ill feeling now is that the "sixth sense" I was experiencing during those last weeks of pregnancy was pointing at my doctor doing something wrong or messing up or something.....which is what ultimately happened.
I hate that sixth sense. I hate knowing. I have learned to trust it, listen to it, acknowledge it now, though. I will never again ignore it. I have always listened to my body with everything else. My sixth sense feelings are no longer any exception.
Thank you for this post. It hit home.
I know this feeling, the feeling of knowing about pregnancy long before a test can detect. I knew with all three of my girls.
I also knew when I lost Daphne, I didn't want it to be true, but deep down inside me I knew.
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