A few days ago, she announced that her sister's baby, nearly full term, was stillborn. Went in for an NST and no heartbeat.
I just stared up at the sky and said, "Really?!?!?"
I mean, come on, universe/God/whoeverorwhateveryouare... REALLY!?
How much grief and heartache can you heap on one family? That is just... all kinds of wrong. Where is the justice? Where does it end?
Hearing about another baby gone just brings it back, makes it so immediate again. I remember. I remember. And I want to reach out to that mama, so grief-stricken, in pain, or maybe numb and still in shock. There is so much I regret. She doesn't quite know what's coming yet. There is so much I want to tell her...to tell my friend to tell her sister...
Tell her to hold him. Hold him as long as she wants. If she's afraid, tell her its okay. Encourage her to hold him anyway. The fear is worse than the reality. The reality is soft and precious and hers. All hers. Tell her she's not crazy for wanting to hold him and love him. Tell her he's beautiful. Tell her to gently open his eyes and look at their color. Tell her to unwrap him, all of him. Talk to him. Sing to him. Remind her to look at everything, everything, every little tiny part, because this will be the only chance she'll have. Get pictures that way, too. Every detail. Hands and feet. Encourage her to give him a gentle bath, to dress him, to sing to him, to talk to him and tell him how much she loves him and wanted to meet him. Have pictures taken of him without all the wrappings, too... she may think she won't want to remember him that way, but she will regret not having them later. And get pictures of the tiniest things... the soles of the feet, the palms of the hands, the top of his head, his little spine and bum, all of him, as much as possible. And video, too, if someone has one and can do it. She will want it. She will. If he has a lot of hair, remember to cut some for her and put it in an envelope. Say his name out loud. A lot. Tell her how beautiful he is. She'll know it, and she'll feel it, but she may be afraid to say it until you do. Acknowledge how perfect and amazing he is.
If they don't do professional photos at the hospital, consider NILMDTS.
Help her with those decisions you have to make right away - funeral services or no? Cremation or burial? They're hard. I regret not having a service. I thought I couldn't face it, but I wish I had been braver.
You can give her a book to read later:
Life Touches Life
An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
The Next Place
You can also make up a list of web resources for her. She'll probably want to connect with other mothers who experienced a loss like this - it becomes such a wonderful lifeline. I spent hours reading blogs of stories of stillbirth after my William was gone.
MDC Pregnancy and Loss Board
www.missfoundation.org
www.stillbirthalliance.org
www.babyangelpics.com
Glow in the Woods
Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Directory
Missing Angels Memorial Pictures
Stillbirth in the News
Tell her you love her. Tell her you're listening.
And keep listening. And loving.
And always remember....
CALEB MICHAEL
JULY 29, 2009
JULY 29, 2009
16 comments:
This is a great post. No one ever thinks about this until it is too late. No noe wantes to think about these things before they actually happen and that is why we end up with regrets.
A list like this should be given to every pregnant woman with a disclosure that says "Don't read this unless something goes wrong. Then if that happens, read it, study it, memorize it, so you don't have as many regrets."
We all do the best we can when our world is turned upside down and we have such limited time to make decsions, but if we only could have been prepared, the regrets may not be as abundant.
xx,
Tina
You should tell her. She doesn't know this stuff. And you're right, she will regret what she didn't do and what she didn't know.
There ARE things that she will live to regret unless she takes them into consideration now, all the things that you DON'T think of when you're in deep shock. I wish with all my heart that I had undressed Calvin, seen his little body, his bum and his boy parts. I wish we had taken pictures of him naked so that I could remember how perfect he was. I also wish I had known that I could have held him, bathed him, spent time with him as long as I wanted to. I think the nurses were trying to protect me from any more pain as they rushed me to hold him because rigor mortis was setting in and my beautiful boy's limbs were going stiff. There are so many empty spots I never had the chance to fill and I regret every one of them. This post is beautiful and informative, something only someone who's been there could have written. I think the trouble with guides on grief is that they aren't written for the most part, by people who have lived the experience firsthand, most are based on research. Reach out to your friend's sister, she will need all the loving hands she can get to guide her through this dark journey. Many hugs
I'm so sorry to hear that your friend and her sister have been through such an awful, traumatic time. I hope that your friend's son thrives in the NICU and makes it home soon. I am so terribly sorry that her sister's sweet boy was stillborn. As you say, it is all kinds of wrong.
I wish that I could have that time with my daughter back. I wish that someone had told me what you've written here.
Remembering Caleb Michael. Remembering William George.
yes, yes, yes. i was very lucky and had a midwife with me who told me almost of these things. i even have a picture of matthew's naked bum with meconium on it. i couldn't understand why she would take a picture of that but now i'm so grateful to know every little part. it seems that almost every one of us regrets opening our babies' eyes. i opened one of matthew's eyes so briefly (and i'm glad i did) but i was afraid that someone would come in and scold me if they saw me doing that.
thank you for your advice on my blog too. i'm going to try that next time. (((HUGS)))
You know, I had my MW with me too... why didn't she tell me any of these things? I'm still angry about that. :x
What a beautiful post. I have found that Peter and I have become the "call them" people when someone's baby dies in any way. People ask "what do we do?" and we tell them many of the things on your list. Sometimes, in the early days, it is the parents friends or families who call, looking for ways to support the grieving parents. Like you, it breaks me to know that someone else is experiencing the pain of an infant loss.
I am glad that you are there for your friend and her family. Right now, more than anything, they need someone who can understand, support, and remember with them.
This post couldn't be more true. There are so many things that I didn't even think to do in the brief time I had Mackenzie in my arms. I didn't know I could bathe her. No one asked if I wanted to dress her. I didn't take any pictures of her feet. And I let her go too soon because I was afraid to see her go through the changes of death. I wish that hospitals were better equipped to help mothers & fathers with these options.
It's a horrible feeling to know that someone is going through the pain we have. It's overwhelming, and so devestating for me to look at a woman who has just lost a child and remember those first days, weeks, and months. It's something you never wish on anyone.
That is terrible, as if it's not one thing that has to be hard enough. I hate hearing about another mama in this club. This sucks.
Thanks for listing all those helpful links. I wish I knew about NILMDTS when I was in the hospital, I would have used them.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend's sister. I hope she has her sister there to help her through this time. My sister is long distance and though she wants with every ounce of her being to help me in any way she can, sometimes teh geographical distance gets in the way.
Thank you, too, for this post. It is a great "quick" piece of advice and it is right on. These are all the things I didn't know. Because I didn't know what to do about anything. I just plain didn't know what to do. It is such a hard, hard time and you are in shock and it's hard to act. I would read your post over and over and over again if I was going through it. I don't know if it would make sense to me at the time, but in hindsight, I completely agree with you. We had a wonderful nurse that suggested all of these things. I was very uncomfortable and I don't think anyone would have talked me into some of them. She was not pushy, either. She made us feel teh best we possibly could at that point. About 5-7 days later, all I wanted to do was have those moments back. ANd I wanted to do everything you suggested. I wanted it so bad. But I still don't think that at the time I would have been able to, had I had a "redo". It's a very awkward time. I think if you have some preparation time for losing your child, your advice is something every mother would be gracious for receiving. Thank you again. I would love for this to help someone like it could have helped me.
Christy
Great post and helpful information. Wish I'd had it all put together for me nicely when I first needed it!
That list is just excellent! I'd love to put a list like that in the books they hand out in our L&D, something to tell them it's ok to feel how they feel and not forget a single little thing.
oh, this sucks so much.
It really makes me wonder about genetics though... all those years of sweeping infant deaths under the proverbial rug means data probably wasn't kept - but two sisters????
I'm so sorry for your friend's family. how awful for one family to have to go through all that. i hope you did tell her sister to do all those things, i certainly wish someone had told me. i have so many regrets now and wish i could have done more things, things differently. but you can never go back.
Really good post, thank you for your honesty and insight.
I remember feeling like you and staring at the sky asking REALLY too. Has been a hard journy for our personal loss - daughter and now total infertility diagnosis. We also know someone who had IVF and then resulted in stillbirth - ahhhh.
But I am heartened by some tragic stories where there is light in the storm too - rainbow idea I guess. My blog is www.livingintherainbow.com for that reason.
Really impressed with story of Steve Curtis Chapman and how he has hope despite his oldest son accidentally killing youngest daughter in car accident.
http://livingintherainbow.com/2009/07/19/with-hope-steve-curtis-chapman/
Anyway thanks for the post - made me think
Post a Comment