An open letter to those of you who have inquired after my mental health, upon learning I'd commissioned a "reborn" doll that looks like my son...
Clearly, this idea bothers you, or you wouldn't be writing me about it, inquiring about and fearing for my mental stability. And as a psychologist, I can totally understand why. I didn't enter into this decision lightly. My husband, too, is a psychologist, and we talked a long time about it, and what it would mean, and how we would handle it, if I decided to get a "reborn" of William done.
Anything, truly anything, can be done in the "right" or "wrong" way, a "healthy" or "unhealthy" way. Anything can become an object of obsession. I could become obsessed with one of my daughter's generic dolls and carry it around and pretend it's William.
So when you talk about something crossing a line, certainly, there is one, I agree. But the existence of a reborn doll, or even a mother having one made to resemble her baby, isn't on the "unhealthy" side of that line. What falls on the unhealthy side of that line is when it moves into obsession.
When you lose a baby to stillbirth, you have very, very little time with your baby. I have so many regrets, so many things I never got to say or do with him. Not as a "live" baby - he was born dead, and I accept that - but to love him and honor him after he was gone. I never opened his eyes, I never rocked him and sang to him, I never got to dress or undress him, and I certainly didn't get to hold him long enough.
For me, this doll is no different than having pictures of my son - which I do have. And some people think THAT crosses a line, that it's weird and morbid to have pictures of my dead baby. But that is where my memory resides... and having his picture helps me remember him, it helps me mourn. So does having this doll - it's like a picture I can cuddle. :)
As for my children, they are healing, and the reborn has actually helped them a great deal. They've talked more about William and their feelings about their little brother and his death more in the past week than they have in the past three months.
And you have to remember, this is just three months after my son's death. We're still taking baby steps in the mourning process. Some statistics say you don't fully recover from the death of a child for six to eight YEARS after they're gone.
I totally understand your hesitation, but I can reassure you that I'm very aware of the possibility of something like this (or anything, really) becoming an obsession, and I have plenty of safeguards in place.
Thanks, though, for your concern!
20 comments:
Dawn,
You and I may be different as to whether we, personally, find having a reborn doll helpful (I don't think it would be helpful to me), but just from what I've come to know about you in the past several months, I trust that you didn't make this decision lightly and that you have your children's best interests at heart. So... while you are an awesome person for addressing the concern you have received in a respectful way, the bottom line is you don't owe anyone an explanation. Am I allowed to swear on your blog? If so, I say F#@$ 'em. :o)
Going through a loss like this is so heartrending, that each of us gets through the best we can.
I agree with the previous poster.. you don't need to give anyone an explanation! You have to do what helps you and your family. No one else knows what it's like to walk in your shoes.
No, you don't need to explain your reasons to anyone. I think it's great that the reborn doll is so healing to you and your family. There is no "normal" in grieving the loss of a child, you do what you have to to get through it and find peace. Heck, I'm freaking out over having to leave my daughter's posessions at home if I were to go anywhere for more than a few hours. ((Hugs)) I fully understand where you're coming from.
You didn't need to explain. As much as the doll is not for me now, I'm glad it is for you. I have pictures of Hope EVERYWHERE around the house and I know that makes people uncomfortable. I see it all the time. I also still have all her cards up, on my sideboard with lots of other little angels and things people gave us. No, I am not ready to take them down or put them away, and the next person who suggests it, I will whack them. We all do what we need to do. You keep doing what you need to do and screw what anyone else thinks. We are all grieving the right way, as there is only ONE way for each of us to grieve.
Yep me too. No explanation needed. When I dicsussed it with my family they raised their eyebrows and questioned your mental health... to which I heartily replied that not only were you a psychologist but also only recently bereaved! (so bugger off!) It sounds perfectly reasonable to me and I completely trust that you would know if it became unhealthy...as would the people around you...and as they clearly DO NOT and do in fact seem to be benefiting from this too I see NOTHING wrong with it.
When my little girl died I flooded my house with the many photographs we had. We were lucky, we had them. Had my child been stillborn I would have gone down this path too if I knew it existed.
When my little girl died we were in palliative care. They had a room where they kept her (it was made up like a childs bedroom) and I was able to stay and visit with my daughter for over a week. Holding her, talking to her, anything. It was so special and so needed. I am always appalled at how little time parents of stillborn children get with their babies. It is horrific. I am so sorry.
Whatever helps you get through this awful stage of grieving is wonderful. Please don't let anyone make you feel weird about it.
oh Dawn. Many, many hugs to you. I'm supportive of you doing whatever you need to help you through this grieving process.
I too, almost commissioned a reborn doll of my caden. It was only the cost that stopped me. I don't see anything wrong with it - I would still get one if I could.
I agree with all of the above. It's right for you and your family and anyone with decent reading comprehension skills would have picked that up immediately from your post. You couldn't have been more "sane" about it!
I didn't respond to your last post, and maybe I should have. I don't know that it's anyone's business what you do to help you in your grieving process. So maybe other people wouldn't get a reborn doll. So what? Everyone grieves differently. I haven't got a reborn doll but I when I look at your reborn I think how much I'd like to get a Freyja and Kees reborn. And I'm sure people would think I was crazy -- that I had "crossed a line" somewhere. But it's three years since Freyja died and 18 months since Kees died -- my mental health has been (and still is) all over the place. Surely if people know that the reborn is "helping' you, surely that's all they need to know?? You don't need to justify your decision, your actions. If it helps you and your family's grieving and healing, that's what's important.
And I have regrets too, especially with Freyja, many regrets just like you.
Dawn,
I just wanted to say that I think your doll is amazing. I can't imagine the amount of healing it must bring you. I don't understand how this is any different from the Build a Bear I got with a recording of Gideon's heartbeat from an ultrasound inside. I hold it and it makes me remember him, and feel him close to my heart. No, the bear is not my son. My son is gone and will never be here again except in our memories. And I want every single thing that I can have to remember him by and keep him alive and with us through those memories.
Please try to ignore the naysayers. They just don't understand what it's like to be in your shoes. Everyone's experience is different. I have no fear for your mental health and I think the healing that you and your family has done so far with your reborn is amazing.
Many *hugs*
- Rachele
No explanation necessary. One of my mantras throughout this journey has been 'Do whatever is healing.' You have done just that.
Different people deal with things in different ways. Would these people voicing a negative opinion feel it was OK for you to comission a portrait?
You have decided to comission essentially a sculpture. This will help you in your grief process. No one else should ever tell you how to grieve.
Personally I think it's very rude of anyone to voice their opinion to you on how they think you should deal with your loss.
I am so surprised that you aren't offended by those comments-I am.
I don't even think you (or anyone else, for that matter) need a doll to become obsessed with your son. My thoughts are constantly consumed by my son- missing him, thinking of what life would be like if we were here, going through the what if's to have (possibly) prevented his death. I would say a good 85-90% of my daily thoughts are consumed by him, and I don't have a doll. Does that make me obsessive, or unhealthy because he's all I ever think about? Probably, but I don't need a doll to process my grief in an unhealthy way.
The hospital I stayed at gave me a comfort bear, that weighed a good 3-4 pounds, to hug because I didn't have a baby to hug. They said the bear had weight to it to simulate a baby's weight. Does that mean that by having (and keeping) that bear will replace my son, or that by having it I'm obsessive? No, I've kept that bear because it has memories attached to it; it helps me remember my son- like your reborn doll helps you remember William.
Take whoever says that having your doll is wrong, or is crossing the line- with a grain of salt. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just like there's no time line to be done grieving; and if having your reborn doll helps you and your family grieve then good for you.
much love to you mama
You have a doll that makes you feel a tiny bit of light and joy...which gives you healing and a way to connect with a person you love who is gone. Your sweet baby. I understand!!! I am getting an Old English Sheepdog puppy for the same reason. I know he is not my twins. I know a dog isn't a baby. I know that...how could I NOT. But, every day that brings me closer to having that puppy brings me closer to having a baby that needs me in my arms. I am EXCITED to clean up his poop! Estatic about the thought of getting woken up in the night to care for him! Grateful for the chance to have a way to process my pain in some way...because frankly, I fear that if I don't process it...I will drown.
I hold you tightly in my heart, and am GLAD GLAD GLAD you have your little sweet beautiful doll. I am glad your children have been given a way to process their loss too. You are great...and your doll inspired me to be brave and adopt our puppy. People were critial of us when we were adding to our family with our babies...and they will be critical of our big sheepie puppy...and the thing I have learned in all of this pain is that those people, with their judgements and opinions of what SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be can go straight to H&*#@!
HUG!!!
Screw what people think. It's awesome you did this, and were bold enough to share it. Whether someone agrees or not, that is their problem. As long as it's helping your family, that's all that counts.
Angela
i don't know you stay calm through this criticsm because i am beyond PISSED for you.
i held and rocked and sobbed over my dd's doll right when i came home from the hospital. there was nothing unhealthy about it; it just happened to not look like Matthew at all.
No need for explanation, dude. You do what you need to, what helps you along, what's best for your own self. I respect that.
i agree... explainations arent needed... everyone grieves in their own way. i hope you find support and not angst from those around you.
Ditto to everything said here. The feeling of being able to hold something that looks and feels a little like your son is good for you, for the kids, and for everyone. It helps fill the hole in your heart ever so slightly and to physically express a tiny bit of the mother's love you feel for him.
You're not crazy, you're not disturbed, you've found a way to help express your profound grief, and that's a good thing. Go for it, Dear One.
I missed the first post as I've been struggling to keep up with life of late, but I want to add to your support... I'm glad you got your reborn, and I would love to see a photo of him sometime.
I want to tell you that I came across a lifelike doll dressed in a pooh bear outfit. The doll is sleeping, and has fair hair. He looks like I would imagine Ciaran would look. I bought him. He sleeps wrapped in one of Ciaran's muslin wraps, in a small antique look pram, near the door to the nursery, below Ciaran's hand and feet molds and other memoriabila. I don't hold him or rock him or even touch him really. But I think he is beautiful. I think your reborn of William is a beautiful idea, a tribute of love x
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