Blame Game

There have been times I've listened to my intuition. When M. had an abscessed tooth a few years ago, the dentist told us, "You might see some swelling in the jaw in the next few days." We were waiting a week, for insurance to kick in, for him to get the root canal, and he was on antibiotics. But that whole week, as the swelling got worse and M. got sicker, I kept thinking something was wrong. The dentist told us to go to the hospital by Monday, if the swelling hadn't gone down, for IV antibiotics. Sunday night, we were going to bed, and I said, "We're going to the hospital now."

That little intuitive voice spoke up and said, "Go now." We were going the next day anyway. M. looked at me like I was nuts. But that voice kept saying, nownownownownownow. So I listened. I insisted. We're going. NOW. And we did. 

Later, the doctors told us that the flesh-eating bacteria he had would have killed him in just a few more hours. I would have woken up next to a dead husband. The infection was 1/4 inch from his carotid artery.

You'd think I would have learned. Following my intuition=good. Not following intuition=bad. Still, I doubt. I look to other people to validate what I'm feeling. I don't trust myself. I told my midwife, "This really isn't my pattern. I think something's wrong. This isn't normal." But she normalized it all for me. Dismissed what I was feeling as just a pregnant mama's irrational fears. I listened to her instead of that little voice.

I can't seem to stop playing this blame game. And I know, it's hubris. I'm not in control, it's not up to me. As much as I'd like it to be. 

I shared the above story with a friend (she knows who she is ;) ) who sent me the following in response:

As mothers, we create and nurture and hold life within us and so we think we really hold the power to life or death within ourselves. We are uniquely qualified to torment ourselves when we can't sustain it because after all, we created it. I'm not religious, but I know by now there is so much more to it than that and it is very rarely truly within our power to control it. We just have enough consciousness to sense that it could have been , should have been , and this gives us just enough rope to hang ourselves with. Don't stick your neck in the noose. Don't take the blame. Your instincts saved your husband, and like any other mother, I'm sure there are dozens of incidents where they've saved your other children over the years. If your baby was able to be saved, they would have saved him, too. I know you can't see it this way right now, but I hope you'll try. No mother should try to bear that blame for something she had no control over.

I know. I know. Logically, I know. *sigh*

I'm going to paste this up somewhere I can see it every day

Because I really, really want to believe it. Truly believe it, and not just tell it to myself to make it all better, or cover up the pain or guilt or regret.