Predictions

I predicted my baby's birth, before he was here. Just for fun. It started on one of those mommy "due date club" things. Now all the mommies there are having their babies, and seeing how close they were on their predictions.

I was, in fact, pretty close, except on weight. We had no idea he would be such a tiny little guy. Seeing how close I was on time, in fact, gave me goosebumps. And knowing he came on April Fool's Day... his daddy so didn't want him born on that day, but it seems fitting now. The world's cruelest joke.

My predictions may have been close in some ways... but they were so far off the scale, in one significant way, that I can't, of course, post my results on my old mommy board. They're having their live babies, joyful and ecstatic, and that is as it should be. I'm not bitter about anyone else having babies. I don't know if that's strange.

M. asked me last night, after we watched something with a pregnant woman in it, if it hurt to watch, and I said, "No." I don't begrudge anyone the joy of a child. I think I could even hold someone else's baby right now, and it wouldn't bother me on that level. Because it's not my baby. I don't want your baby, or her baby, or that baby over there. I want my baby. And that's something I can't have.

But I have moved on, from the place where I can be with and interact with those women who are celebrating their breathing babies. It wasn't my choice - dear god, yes, I would still be there if I could. But someone or something shoved me through this door, and it was only one way. I can't go back, as much as I wish I could. I'm in another world now.

For the record, here are my predictions... and the actual.

EDD: 8 April
Predicted Birth Date: 3 April
Actual Birth Date: 1 April

Predicted Birth Time: 10:26 pm
Actual Birth Time: 10:14 pm

Predicted Gender: Boy
Ultrasound gender/or did not find out: Boy
Actual Gender: Boy

Predicted Length/Weight: 20 inches, 8lbs 10oz
Actual Length/weight: 18 inches, 5lb, 4oz

Predicted baby resembles: Dad, dark hair and eyes
Actual baby resembles: Dad, dark hair - I never saw his eyes