I'm a horrible mother.
That's the reason he died. God or the universe or the powers-that-be figured he'd be better off dead than have me as a mother.
On my worst days, that's my secret fear.
Today, the kids are insane - screaming, throwing things, hitting each other, instigating, taunting, no matter what I do or say, the minute I turn my back, they're at it again.
I have no patience right now. I had little to begin with, frankly.
All right, kids, you wanna hear screaming...?
Oh I can scream. I can scream until my voice is hoarse and my throat is sore. I can throw things, too. Their things, my things, anything.
I told you, I'm a horrible mother.
When I was studying for my psychology degree (yeah, I actually have one of those, believe it or not... you might not, on days like today) we read books in the field of infant and child psychology by a guy named Donald Winnicott. This guy had the idea that a mother was inevitably imperfect, but that she could be a "good enough mother" - someone who could generally do a "good enough" job that her child just might have a chance to grow up normally.
I hated that guy.
What a thought, that your child might grow up to say, "Well...my mother wasn't perfect. She wasn't great. But she was... 'good enough.'" Is that what we aspire to, as mothers? Being good enough? At the time, I was offended by the concept. (And funny, how Winnicott never developed a reciprocal 'good enough' father theory... it was all about the mommy, and whether or not she was good enough, and the implication was, of course, if she wasn't, her children's problems were all her fault... *ahem* but I digress...)
Doesn't every mother want to be perfect for her children? Of course we know we can't. I suppose Winnicott was trying to take a little of the pressure off. You don't have to be perfect, mama... you just have to be "good enough."
Does 'good enough' include screaming? Throwing things? Collapsing, sobbing, on the floor and telling your kids, "I can't do this anymore," and later having to explain, "No, I didn't mean I couldn't be your mommy anymore, I meant..."
I meant... something else.
I meant I can't breathe without hurting anymore.
I meant I can't go to sleep without thinking about my dead son.
I meant I can't wake up in the morning without seeing his lifeless face in my head.
I meant I can't go anywhere or do anything, including parenting, without realizing he's gone.
I meant all of those things and said none of them.
"I meant I just needed a break for a minute. A mommy time-out. Think mommy should get a time-out? Want to put me in time-out?"
A chorus: "Yeah!"
There's the solution to sibling discord, right there. Turn the kids against their parents.
My "time-out" involved whatever they wanted, so popcorn and a Disney movie later, my son turned to me and asked, quite earnestly, "Mom, how come we don't get popcorn in our time-outs?" and I had to laugh.
Sorry, Winnicott. I'm not "good enough" for these kids. I'll never be good enough, for these living children, for my dead one, for any of the souls of any more babies out there that might be waiting to come into my life. No one could possibly be "good enough" - and I'm not even going to try anymore. What a strange thought, a silly concept.
What I am is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, very, very human mother...
who loves her children, very very much.
10 comments:
Yeah! I know that one too! I don't have any children here in this life with me, so it's been very easy to succumb to the blame game, that it's because I've been SUCH a bad person that this is my punishment. I have gone over every little bad thing I have ever done, and wondered if that was it. And I've thought (or decided!) too, that it's because I was going to be such a bad mother that my little boy couldn't stay with me. I mean... I have NO IDEA how to look after a baby, so that must be it!
But yeah, I also know that logically that has NOTHING to do with it!
As for that Winnifrog... as I started reading that about his theory on 'good enough mothers' the first thing that hit me is that he will never be a mother will he? No, no mother is going to be 'perfect', just as there is no such thing as a perfect man, or Santa Claus for that matter, but I bet he didn't touch on that one! There seems to me to be more damage done to children by imperfect fathers than mothers. And I guess that would be opening a whole new can of worms! But seriously the one thing with MOST mothers is that they worry so much about being a good mum, but you look out there and see dad's at the pub, not spending time at home or whatever, and you wonder just where the balance of 'good enough' really lies...
It sounds to me that you are more than a good enough mother, and your children will thankyou for it some day in their lives...
xxx
Thank you for your honesty in your posts! Maybe NOT being good enough is exactly what kids need??? Who knows, but I've felt NOT good enough just about every day of my life since losing my daughter.
I'm sorry you're having a crappy day. I think we've all felt that way to some extent.. like we are horrible mothers for not saving our babies. I'm sure your children would not only say that you are a 'good enough' mother but a SUPER GREAT one too! Take it easy on yourself.. and take time outs when you need them - INCLUDING popcorn! Big hugs!
Mrs. Cleaver doesn't really exist. Even Barbara Billingsley had off days when raising her kids.
You're trying to do what your kids needs, even when they don't always recognize it. You love them incredibly. You're doing everything you can for them within reason and trying to be a good and loving mother and see that they have the opportunity to be and do whatever they want without inflicting weird dysfunctionalities on them. That's being a good mother.
Even coming late to the game, I've discovered the truth that being a parent never ends. Susan the Wonderchild is going to be 25 next week, her brother is 27, and her sister is 31 on Tuesday. And we're still definitely the parental units. It'll always be that way, even though the amount you get called on for will be considerably lessened.
Moms get to have time-outs, too. And even lives of their own.
(And wait until the depths of adolescence! The Babe is fond of saying that you can have the sweetest daughter in the world and then one morning, she'll walk out and you'll say "Good morning, sweetheart. What would you like for breakfast?" And the daughter will suddenly say "Stop oppressing me!" and, making a high-pitched noise like a rusty hinge, will run back to her room and slam the door. It won't have anything to do with you. :) )
I used to have those horrible thoughts as well. Like God saw what a terrible mother I was and took her away from me.
But we are good mothers. We love our children so much. I remember the grief made me more impatient in the beginning.
*hugs*
It's not our fault you know. We didn't cause our children to die. We are not responsible.
It took me about a year to work that one out. After Freyja died. I was already pregnant with Kees before I finally realised that Freyja died for NO REASON. It was NOT MY FAULT.
When Kees died we went through the whole "who is to blame" exercise again. With the same result. It was not our fault.
The problem of course is that we live with the knowledge that parents are responsible for their child's well-being. Which means that if something goes wrong, the assumption is that the parent is at fault.
But we all know differently. Bad things happen FOR NO REASON. Babies die for no reason.
I was unlucky twice -- I lost two babies. My husband and I never even got a chance to be "good enough" (or not).
For what it's worth, I think it's OK to show frustration, anger, even rage to your kids. A large part of how they'll learn to manage their own feelings is by your example, and when certain emotions are designated 'unacceptable' then they'll never have the opportunity to work out ways of dealing with them. Now, full disclosure, I am not a child psychologist! This is just my opinion and is based on my own limited experience of life and parenting, so tell me to shut up if it's not helpful!
My husband's family are very stoic, repressed, unemotional people. He was always punished for expressing feelings that they considered unpalatable, everything was behind closed doors. He has always struggled with depression and when Iris died he sunk into a serious depressive episode (I mean barely functioning, unable to work) that he is only now starting to return from. The therapist he saw suggested that a huge part of his struggle was that he had never really learnt to how to deal with all of that stuff: anger, grief, frustration etc.
What I'm trying to say is that keeping that from your kids, trying to 'protect' them from your feelings is ultimately doing them a disservice. The whole 'time out for Mummy' idea sounds like a great way of addressing it. You sound like a pretty brilliant mother to me!
I've just found your blog. And firstly I am so terribly sorry about the death of your precious baby. I love your honesty about parenting. And you know what? my mum did the exact same thing when my baby brother died. Screaming, crying, total and utter devastation. And not once, did any of us feel abandoned or less loved by her. Her heart was broken, and so were ours. And in our small childish way, we understood perfectly. Thinking of you. Sarah xxx
"And not once, did any of us feel abandoned or less loved by her."
This was a blessed relief to me... thank you.
I knew you (a little) on the Bmoms list a while ago. I just heard about your loss, and I'm so sorry :-(.
Reading your posts, I can't imagine your pain. But I can promise you, you are a wonderful mother. I know this because I can see how much you care.
Laura
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