I must be a glutton for punishment.
I've started watching "A Baby Story" on TLC again. I'm tired of the "judge" shows, and I can't stand the soap operas. (Besides, it seems like everyone on those is pregnant or just had a baby, too!) But I'm not quite ready to turn off the TV and do something else, either. The TV brings a little bit of normalcy during the day, and the noise, if nothing else, is a good distraction.
When I was pregnant, I watched birthing shows like Deliver Me and A Baby Story all the time. I watched babies being born every day - babies were delivered in hospital beds, in birthing tubs, on birth stools, in bathrooms, even in cars. Some women didn't even know they were pregnant before, oops, look at that, I just had a baby! (I glanced down at my gi-normous belly at the time and wondered just how that was possible? Denial isn't just a river in Egypt?)
I watched so many births, it actually got a little boring, even as varied as the stories were. Some babies came easy, some came hard. Some came fast, some came slow. Some required more help than others - from inductions to forceps to c-sections. Some babies had trouble breathing at first or were jaundiced or had problems breastfeeding. But there was one important thing all those babies had in common - they lived. It was something we all took for granted, me included. I just assumed, whatever complications might come up during my birth, that I would have a living, breathing baby at the end.
Of course, we know how my baby story ended.
So I've started watching A Baby Story again, but I watch it now for entirely different reasons than I did before. I watch it now because I know the ending to these stories is going to be happy. They wouldn't dare show an outcome like ours, where a baby was born dead, lifeless, gone. We never got to the happy ending, but at least I know there will be one on TV.
Now I watch, and I wait for it, on the edge of my seat as if I don't already know what's going to happen. It's not boring to me at all - not anymore. Not in the least. Because I've discovered that happy endings don't feel quite so good if you don't know how badly it can end, and I know now just what it's like to not get that happy ending. So when it comes, that moment when the baby flings its arms and legs wide, startled to be in the world, when the eyes open and a baby draws breath and cries - I cry now, too...every single time.
9 comments:
I dont watch those shows... My husband gets upset with me. He has a 6th sense or something. I'll have one on and, maybe I just dont realize that my breathing changes or I'm sniffling or something, but it never fails that he calls in "Are you watching a baby show again?" and I sheepishly reply "Yes." To which he responds with either a frustrated sigh and a "why dont you turn to something else" or "honey, why are you doing that to yourself?"
I still cant handle all of the "nothing could go wrong" attitudes that I normally fine. I know what could go wrong... 3 times over (6 times over if I count my miscarriages). Seeing all the happy, my-pregnancy-will-end-perfect people... I just cant deal with that. Not yet anyway.
I don't watch those shows.. but I have a problem with pregnant women.. I feel so sad for them because they have no idea how horribly wrong it could all go in the end. Like they will all have that same tragic outcome.. which most of them obviously will not.. but that's how I feel when I see a pregnant woman. :( I wonder if I'll ever look at them with that giddy joy of just being in the presence of someone giving LIFE!?
I also used to watch all the baby shows on TV when I was pregnant (often several episodes a day), but I can't bring myself to watch them again now. I think I'm still too jealous of all of the ladies on the show...
I can't watch them any more. I think I'm still too stuck in the "Not Fair" mindset. I don't want anyone else, ever, to suffer what we have suffered but I don't particularly want to know that they're not suffering. I just want them to go away and enjoy their happy ending somewhere far away from me.
I can't watch them anymore either. I also watched a lot of births during my pregnancy. I'd never seen one, so I figured I needed to learn! Now I just get bitter and jealous. I was the smug confident pregnant woman, totally oblivious that anything could go wrong. I worried about the baby being born sick or needing an "emergency c-section" (because shit, how traumatic would THAT be) but I never worried about my baby dying. In my belly four days past her due date no less, while I had NO idea it was happening, right under my beating heart. Now I'm pregnant again, I still feel deep jealousy towards pregnant women. I see those big joyous bumps and I want to rush up and tell them "be careful!!!" But the rational part of my brain stops me. So I just give them sad eyes. Once upon a time I used to smile at those women. I think when this bump grows and becomes obvious, I will avoid making eye contact with anyone.
I used to watch those shows while I was pregnant, and I would cry at the end of every show (from the pregnancy hormones) because I knew I would get that happy ending, to feel that joy too. Boy was I wrong. I can't watch those shows anymore, because I know that's not how it ends. I don't think I'll ever watch those shows again.
I wasn't able to watch a Baby Story for well over a year after he had passed. I don't know how you are able to do it already with things so fresh. I felt like it was all just naivety and I was so jealous of them.
I watch that show all of the time now too. I watch to see what it's like for "normal" people.
Oddly enough, my friend was a producer for that show when I was pregnant with my daughter. She asked me if I wanted to be on it. Thank God I said no and didn't have cameras filming my giref! And according to her, she has witnessed some stillbirths on the show, but I don't think they aired those shows.
I can't watch those shows anymore. They make me too angry. For the longest time, all I could watch was Law & Order because there were people suffering on the show like me. If I watched Baby Story now, my reaction would likely be "wow, I can't believe the baby made it out alive". My experience has made me realize what a miracle it is when a baby is born alive, know that I know all the things that can go wrong.
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