Thursday, May 14, 2009
Yellow Day
A good day.
Beautiful, bright.
A full breath day.
Most days since William died it feels like I can't take a full breath. Everything is shallow, fragile. Mostly, it feels like I have to move carefully or things will just fall apart.
Today was a long drive, loud radio, singing at the top of our lungs day. M. and I held hands and laughed and talked about silly things. Jack Johnson on the Ipod. Upside Down:
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away
We played "yellow" - a car game where you keep track of all the yellow cars you see on the trip - every yellow car is one point. School busses and construction vehicles are exempt. Yellow motorcycles are two points. Yellow slugbugs (VW beetles) are three points. Yellow Mustangs and Chargers aren't extra points but they make M's eyes light up anyway.
A yellow day.
A mellow, yellow day.
And when Cats in the Cradle came on the radio, I was quick to change the station this time. (It did... I'm not making that up. It really did come on the radio... ;)
It was the first time I'd made the conscious choice since William died not to be sad.
I said "no" to sad today.
It showed up in that moment, but I gave it quick once-over and sent it back out the door.
Not today.
Today I want to breathe and be something other than blue.
Yellow.
A million points for yellow today.
A million points plus infinity.
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9 comments:
Sending a smile your way. :)
Oh those days are so few and far between in the beginning. I remember talking to others who had stillbirths before me and they all promised me that those days would become more frequent over time. And I just couldn't imagine it. I couldn't believe it.
But they did.
And then they told me that the really really BAD days...well more time would go between them each time until they became very far apart.
It took so long...but they were right.
I'm so glad you saw a piece of the light again today. It will go away. But I promise it will come back again too.
Love to you. Reading your posts brings back so many memories for me. It will help you later to look back on your posts. It's all part of the exhaustion that is grief.
Yellow is a nice colour - the colour of sunshine.
I wish you more sunshine days.
xo
I'm so glad you could feel so "mellow yellow" today!
xoxo
I'm so glad to hear that you got some breathing room from grief. It so often feels like it's crowding everything else out. Hang in there and more decent days will come.
I'm so glad to hear that you had a day like this. It's bright and yellow here today too and when I read your post I could really feel your yellow all the way over here.
A million points to you for embracing your yellow day :)
I haven't been able to log in to your blog as much for the last two weeks--being on the road a lot (currently in Philly), but I have a little while and I wanted to catch up. Your blog made me cry again but I'm very happy for you that you were able to breathe.
As Emily said, you'll have more of these days and the bad days will space out more and more. The grief will always be with you and you'll have a love for William that you'll carry forever, but the grief really will be more bearable and roses will bloom again for you.
Hugs, Dear One, and I'm glad you got a little respite.
There are enough sad days waiting, no need to invite them in when you've just managed to kick them out. Good for you for allowing yourself to enjoy the day and for protecting yourself when you need to. It doesn't mean you love William any less.
(Take out William's name and insert Soren and you'll have what I tell myself. And sometimes it even works!)
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