I didn't have enough time.
I didn't kiss him enough.
I didn't sing to him.
I wish I'd sung to him.
My favorite things... my best thing...
I wish I'd held him more.
I wish I'd rocked him.
I wish I'd had time alone with my son.
I wish I'd unwrapped him fully.
I have no pictures of his little feet.
Or his long, delicate fingers.
I wish I'd taken more pictures.
I wish I'd thought to call NILMDTS.
I wish I had a picture of him complete, whole. Not just pieces, covered, touched up.
I wish I'd kept part of his umbilical cord.
I wish I'd been the one to bathe him.
Dress him. Put on his first...and only...diaper.
I wish I'd thought to come home to give birth.
I wish I'd opened and looked into his eyes.
I wish I'd held him skin to skin.
I wish I'd had the time to think about what I wanted.
I didn't know I would want more of him that way - even in death.
I didn't know there was so much I would regret.
I wish I'd known.
14 comments:
I'm so sorry. Hugs.
There is so much of this that I could have written myself. So many wishes. So many firsts that should have happened, even within our short time together, but didn't because it didn't cross my mind. Why would it? It's not what we planned for.
xxx
http://allthelittleponies.blogspot.com
((Hugs))
Oh, it brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart clench to read this. All i can say is, I so know. I understand. I'm so sorry. *hugs*
So many regrets that I have- I never saw his bellybutton. I never opened his eyes, or kissed him. I wish I saw his whole body, taken in every inch of him. I wish I knew about NILMDTS, I wish I had pictures of holding him.
We could never know, even fathom- what we wanted, because we never thought it would happen to us. Sure, we thought about what would happen if labor didn't go as planned, but we never thought about what if our baby didn't come out alive.
No matter how much time we had, or all we did with them, will never be enough.
hugs, hugs, hugs
Oh, I wish the same. I have so many regrets too. Especially with Freyja. Freyja who was born without breath. Who we only got to hold and see for a few hours. Oh, I have many, many regrets.
I have many of these same wishes. I wish someone had tapped me on the shoulder, a woman who had perhaps already walked this road and suggested so many of these things to me. If only I'd known. How could I have ever known? How could anyone prepare themselves for what we went through? Devastating.
Me too. I have so many regrets.
But I think 'ruff diamond' is right. It would never, ever, ever be enough.
I think no matter how much we do with our sweet babies, there are always going to be "I wish", so many things we wished we could of done. I know with my babies I have a list of the things I think I should have known to do...
I think about those things all the time.. so many things I wish I would have done - a big one for me is unwrapping him and looking at his whole little body.. I was so afraid of messing him up.. how stupid was that?! I think you just aren't capable of really THINKING things through when you've been given the worse possible news of your entire life. So, with that, even though there are so many regrets, I'm so glad that we got to hold him, sleep with him and take pictures.. there would have never been enough time to do everything we wanted.
I wish...... I think I could write my wishes forever.
Love to you... xo
me too.
Ugh, so many of your regrets are the same regrets I have. Most of mine are due to the fact that I had come out of general anesthesia and surgery and couldn't DO much of anything. I wish we had turned him over and looked at his baby bum. I wish we had spent more time with him. I've come a long way in letting myself off the hook about these regrets, but it's taken a loooong time to give myself just a smidgen of forgiveness.
I have just come across your blog. I wanted to say how sorry I am that you dont have William alive and healthy in your arms.
I went through this list you wrote and and checked off all the things I did and didnt do.
Life is just so sad sometimes.
Hugs hugs
xxx
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