Can't sleep lately at night. Although I can sleep all day, it seems. Strange unbalanced life.
M. and I stayed up (again) talking last night until almost dawn. He was fired on May 5 (don't panic... it's not a bad thing... his old job was horrible and only fired him because he'd already found something else...) and had last week off entirely. This week and next, he's working a short schedule at the new job, so we have more time together. It's been such a relief, and so very needed. I think he's recovering from the anxious atmosphere of his previous employer. He has so much more life and energy. I have my husband back.
Today was our final postpartum visit with our midwife, which was a much needed few hours of conversation about life and birth and death. Lots of laughter and tears and even a bit of closure, I think. She says she would be happy to do our next birth... assuming we have one. I have been thinking a lot about that possibility lately, impatiently waiting for my cycles to return. M. and I have talked about it, and we probably will try again. I said, before William was born, that it felt as if someone were missing from our family. Now, someone really is...
Today was also my fifteen-year-old son's choir concert. B. had a solo, and it was the first one we've been able to make it to this year (M's schedule and the distance between our house and my ex's really precluded it.) He was amazing - I was impressed. And I found myself wiping away tears (again... I do that a lot lately) because seeing him doing something he loves moved me so much. I don't think there is anything quite as satisfying as watching your child doing something they truly love and are passionate about. Made me happy for him, and sad for William, who will won't be here to find that thing, whatever it might have been, that made him light up that way.
I suppose everything will be measured this way now. Graduations, new jobs, marriages... lost teeth, school plays, puberty... I will celebrate with my living children and still be thinking about my dead one.
The older kids' stepmom stopped me and expressed her condolences about William. It's funny, but sometimes in these situations, I feel like I'm comforting them, not the other way around.
I'm so tired. Maybe I can sleep tonight. I can understand the inclination to start taking medication - Ambien, valium, whatever works - just to sleep, to ease the anxiety, to numb the pain.
Sometimes I read over these posts and think I sound so melodramatic. God, I even get sick of hearing myself go on about it. I would give anything to feel something else besides sad, angry or depressed.
6 comments:
You're not melodramatic. You're honest and real and you're in pain. I was the same, worried I was just repeating myself with the same depressing crap every post. I keep coming back here because of your honesty and the power in your words.
I agree -- you're not melodramatic, you're struggling with a very real aching heart. The time will come when your step will be lighter, but now is not that time. Embrace the process. I believe you'll stumble upon an unimaginable measure of healing when you do.
hopefully you can start spending more time outside, letting the sun reset your clock.
also, we were off schedule for awhile, took some melatonin pills (the lowest dose at the herbl store) and it worked wonders. we only had to take it for a few days to get reset, and now take it only when we have trouble falling asleep
Melatonin does work, but I'd suggest caution, as extended use (2-3 weeks) can kick people into depression. I don't think you need the extra help. :)
Soaking your feet in hot water for 10 minutes before going to bed will often do much the same thing for inducing sleep by drawing blood away from the brain. (And it's not to be denied that foot-soaking makes your feet unkink and can be very palliative in general.)
Hugs and a kiss on the forehead, Dear One.
I'm sorry you haven't been able to sleep at night- I took ambien for awhile and then switched to unisom and finally nothing. I didn't want to get stuck relying on them but the nights were so hard when everything was quiet and I felt that I should be getting up during the night to nurse or soothe my crying baby. I'm glad you've been able to have good quality time with your husband though- it's so important!
Please don't appoligize for your grief though- you aren't being melodramatic! We all have our highs and lows but know that this is a safe place to express them.
I know what you mean by people offering their condolences and feeling like you are comforting them.
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